Washington, DC – February 31, 2025 (Paro – D Wire Service)
The US Supreme Court ruled today that the last known individual in the United States not signed up for a renewable energy credit program, must be permitted to do so. In an 8-1 ruling, the Court, citing the equal protection clause, found in favor of Ms. Anita Sistance of Reemoat, West Virginia.
Writing for the minority, Justice Al Gore said that the equal protection clause, while perhaps applicable, should not be considered due to the potential for disaster he predicts will befall the nation. Justice Gore also disagreed with the majority decision to wipe Ms. Sistance’s slate clean. He reasoned that, in spite of the fact that Ms. Sistance’s $48 Billion monthly electric bill and $3 Trillion past due account may seem excessive, someone had to make up the difference between actual production cost and the reduced government mandated consumer price which citizens have become accustomed to paying for wind and solar – the sole remaining sources of electricity for the US. Justice Gore also wrote that, in spite of having no phone and unable to see due to poor vision, it was Ms. Sistance’s “duty, as a citizen, to learn about the limited time offer to join the green revolution of the early 21st century, and the rest of the citizens should not be expected to suffer due to the ignorance of one individual!”
Justice Gore, appointed to the Court at the end of the Obama term, further expressed concern that, should Ms. Sistance not be required to pay her outstanding bills, the renewable energy companies may fold. In his opinion, Justice Gore challenged the notion that the amount due be shared with rest of the citizenry. He wrote that “our citizens have come to expect electricity for a full 4 hours a day, however there was no expectation that they would actually pay for it!” Justice Gore noted that “should the wind and solar plants stop producing due to lost revenue, the nation would be crushed.” “In these days, facing Global Cooling as we are, it is no time for an energy shortage,” Gore warned. “As I predicted back in 2011, the coming severe global cooling disaster enveloping the earth due to the limited CO2 in the atmosphere will create extreme demands on our energy grid and, as I suggested then, we should have placed a moratorium on renewable energy, and instead promoted clean coal, nuclear and natural gas. But NOOOO! Don’t listen to Al! Well, you see where that got you people”, he wrote in Times New Roman 24 point – bold!
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Robert Byrd stated Justice Gore’s argument was insufficient to persuade that Ms. Sistance continue to pay for 95% of the nation’s electricity. 107 year old Chief Justice Byrd, also appointed during President Obama’s final days in what many thought a ceremonial gesture, came out firmly on the side of Ms. Sistance, a resident of his home state. Justice Byrd agreed with attorneys representing Ms. Sistance that the LLCs “offering green power — defined as renewable energy credits and green electricity” back in 2009 and 2010 had an obligation to caution people not taking advantage of their offer “that they could shoulder the entire burden of the deficit resulting from the discounted consumer price of heavily subsidized Wind and Solar.” Ms. Sistance’s attorneys noted that these “clean and green” companies, which often used the sales pitch “Usually renewable energy requires an upfront investment, but we’re in a unique situation where you can choose green power and save money at the same time … it almost never happens,” have moved on to selling time-share weeks on the Moon or refrigerators to the newly frozen state of Florida and, as such, were not available for comment.
“Let us not be remiss in stating that we all erred in protecting Ms. Sistance,” wrote Byrd, the former Conscience of the Senate. “As I tried to tell my fellow Senators at the time, you just can’t be replacing all the good coal plants with these dadblamed new contraptions. But NOOOO! Don’t listen to Bobby! Well, you see where that got you people,” he wrote in Times New Roman 24 point – bold!
Asked about the decision that will free her from the stresses of her massive debt, Ms. Sistance, 89, widowed and living on social security, said she was overwhelmed with joy, but also very concerned. “You don’t know how much hate mail I received from my fellow citizens now that they might have to pay full price,” she said. “I’m almost afraid to go home!”
Asked to comment on the role Congress will play in reconciling the vast difference in the purchase price and actual production costs of Wind and Solar, Senator Oprah Winfrey D-IL, Chair of the powerful Education, Energy and Entertainment Committee said she would be seeking emergency legislation clearing the necessary funding to retool decommissioned gas fired generators which would, in turn, power huge fans to provide the wind to spin the wind turbines. Quoting Energy Secretary, Bill Nye the Science Guy she said, “Then we can use the power from the turbines to juice up those massive lamps and generate more than ample light to get those solar panels cooking!”
When asked how quickly this legislation could see President (Bill) Gate’s desk, Senator Winfrey noted that “it is winter after all, and the daylight hours are short. We’ll have to see how much electricity is available for lighting the Senate chamber.” “You have to recognize, with the extreme cold reducing wind availability here of late, our evening sessions have been extremely limited,” she said. “Even adding the extra three days in February hasn’t accomplished what we thought initially and, well, it’s not like we can just run out there and fire up a decommissioned nuclear plant, you know,” hastily adding, “oh, and thank God for that!”
Senator Winfrey cautioned that the public shouldn’t rely on the Supreme Court stepping in every time they have a dispute over an unpaid bill. “We, in Congress, have always acted in the best interest of professional lobbyists, who clearly understand the people’s needs. How could they have gotten so rich otherwise? I remember when many of the same companies used to provide audience gifts on my show and the guests loved them. They used to pump millions into advertising and hey … I’m rich! That lady from West Virginia, Anita or whoever, could have put away a few bucks and paid her electric bill and we wouldn’t have this mess to deal with. If she didn’t know what to do, she should have asked. When I retire from the Senate I’m going to go back on TV and one of the first shows I do will be about …”